In the first few weeks of shelter-in-place I was feeling very accomplished. I was getting many chores and jobs around the house completed, and I was thinking that this quarantine was the best thing that could have happened. And then it started to take a turn.
My momentum started to slow as the weather turned to non stop rain putting a damper on making progress on any outside projects as well as curbing the daily walks around the block with my son so he could run around and burn off some energy. I felt confined in the house and unable to get anything accomplished.
I was falling into a depression, and I felt I could do nothing about it. I did my best not to let it affect anyone else and kept smiling through it. I continued the Facebook Live reiki circles and daily meditations trying to pick up those that may have fallen into a similar condition, but without letting the viewers know how bad I was feeling.
I couldn’t really hide it from my wife though, and the great thing about her is that she gave me the space to be with it while I did my best not to let my depression affect her. I had to search inside myself to figure out what was going on and confront any issues that came up.
The first thing I picked up on was how tough it is to be a full time parent. As with the lesson I shared in my post almost two years ago (link Death of the Ego) my ego was getting crushed. I kept finding myself wanting to pull away and do things I wanted to do, but it’s not about me. It’s about being there for my son. As I noticed my frustration grow over days I started reminding myself that I had only one job right now and that was to be a parent. Why was that so difficult for me?
As I pondered that question I was reminded of the 4th Reiki Principle - Gyo o hageme (Fulfill your duty). I was not being consistent with my Reiki practice and adhering to the Gokai (Five Principles), and there was the insight that I needed to start the healing process. Usui sensei gave us a “mystic art to invite happiness” and “miraculous medicine to cure all diseases,” and the part that I was ignoring was the essence of the Usui Reiki System of Natural Healing, the Reiki Gokai.
Once I accepted my duty as a stay-at-home dad, it was time to fulfill that duty as best I could, and I had to approach it in a way that I knew would work for me. I needed to create routines. I needed to be grounded in things that could be written down, perhaps measured, and that I could keep track of so that I could make adjustments going forward. Once I made my lists and put a few routines in place, I started to feel a little better.
I would say that the routine that made the biggest contribution to my mental health wasn’t about parenting at all. It was a practice that I have used to help sort through my thoughts, and I hadn’t done it consistently for a few years. I started doing the morning pages again.
I talked about the morning pages in a previous post, (Morning Pages blog link) and I know how beneficial they have been for me. I knew I had to find a way to start them again without interrupting the routines I already had in place, and once I dove back into them the effects were felt very quickly. On the day that I wrote my first entry (April 18th) I could already feel a little shift, and by day three I was starting to feel even better.
The weird thing about it was that I couldn’t tell you why I was feeling better. I didn’t have any breakthroughs or insights into my condition while writing that would explain the improvement of my mood. It was just the simple fact that I wrote my thoughts out on the page, and then walked away from them. For me there is something magical about taking the time to write down all the thoughts that are bouncing around in my mind that can create confusion, anger, and discontent and really seeing them on the page. Once I see and accept those thoughts, and trust me my morning pages are uncensored and unfiltered, I can either work with them or move past them.
Now I can report that I’m feeling much better, and I guess I can be happy that I went through that little dip so that I could get back to my morning pages practice.
I pray that you are all healthy and dealing with these challenging times better than me. Let me know what has helped you now or in the past when you take a break from happiness.
I’m still doing the daily meditations at 8am PST on the Kukan Reiki Kai Facebook page (link) if you ever want to tune in live or if you prefer to watch the recorded videos later at your convenience. The recordings of the reiki circles are also posted and they have different guided self-reiki practices you can use to address stress, anxiety, immune health, and chakra balancing.
Stay safe and be well. Looking forward to seeing you in the real world again, but I’ll settle for the virtual interactions for now.
Much love <3